Breaking the Conflict Cycle: Part 2

The Trap of Competition in Conflict

When most of us think about arguments, the picture that comes to mind is loud voices, sharp words, and two people locked in a battle of wills. That’s competition—the “fight” side of the fight-or-flight response. In many ways, it’s the most obvious pattern of conflict, especially after betrayal.

But here’s the tricky part: competition doesn’t always look heated. It can be fiery and loud, or it can be quiet and cold. Some people compete through raised voices and anger; others compete with absolute calm, using intellect, logic, or detachment to dismantle the other’s perspective. Both can feel equally invalidating.

For betrayed couples, competition often feels like the only way to survive. But in the long run, it doesn’t create safety or intimacy—it builds walls between partners.

What Competition Looks Like in Relationships

Competition in conflict is about winning. It’s about making sure your perspective comes out on top, that your needs are met, and that your partner backs down.

Some of the most common competitive behaviors we see are raising your voice or overpowering the other person, criticizing or blaming to prove you’re right, using sarcasm or contempt, defending every detail instead of listening, intellectualizing or staying icy calm while dismantling your partner’s argument, and trying to control the outcome at all costs.

If you’ve ever left an argument feeling like you “won” but the relationship felt smaller, colder, or more distant—you’ve experienced competition.

Why Betrayal Makes Competition So Intense

Betrayal fundamentally shifts the ground rules of safety in a relationship. For the betrayed spouse, fighting hard in conflict can feel like the only way to protect themselves from being minimized, dismissed, or hurt again. Their nervous system is already raw, working overtime to detect danger. When a conversation even smells like dismissal or avoidance, it can spark intense anger or defensiveness.

For the betraying spouse, competition can also be a default, but for different reasons. Many have unresolved trauma from their past: growing up unseen, neglected, controlled, or abandoned. In conflict, those old wounds resurface, and the drive to win becomes about more than just the current issue. It’s about protecting a fragile sense of worth.

This creates a volatile mix. One spouse fights to be heard in the relationship that betrayed them. The other fights to not feel like a failure, often carrying wounds from before the marriage ever began. Both are fighting to survive—but intimacy loses either way.

A Client Story

One couple (details changed for confidentiality) described how every argument turned into a battle of perspectives. The betrayed husband felt his wife was constantly minimizing his pain. He raised his voice, fought to make her acknowledge the depth of her betrayal, and doubled down until she conceded. She, on the other hand, competed by staying calm, using logic to explain why he was overreacting. To him, her calmness felt cold and dismissive. To her, his intensity felt overwhelming and unsafe.

Both walked away “winning” their side in different ways, but neither felt closer afterward. The problem wasn’t the topic—it was the competitive dynamic itself.

Our Story

In our own marriage, we’ve seen both sides of competition play out.

Matthew: Before recovery, I often defaulted to competition through anger. If Joanna and I disagreed, I fought to win. I raised my voice, argued every point, and pushed until I felt like I had control. In the moment, it felt like I was making sure I mattered—but in reality, I was creating more distance.

Joanna: My competition looked completely different. I rarely raised my voice. Instead, I competed through calmness. I could intellectualize an argument and methodically dismantle Matthew’s perspective point by point. On the surface, I looked calm and composed, but it was just as competitive as his intensity. What I wanted was to protect myself and make sure my logic stood. But to Matthew, it often felt dismissive—like his feelings were being reduced to something irrational.

Both of us were competing, just in different ways. And both approaches left us lonelier at the end of the fight.

Why Competition Fails

On the surface, competition seems productive. Something gets decided: the bills are paid a certain way, the kids get picked up at a certain time, the calendar gets settled. But underneath, something much more damaging happens.

Competition creates a you vs. me dynamic. Each partner becomes the other’s adversary. Instead of being teammates, they’re opponents in a battle. And even when a decision is reached, the process leaves scars.

The betrayed spouse may “win” the argument but leave feeling even more alone, convinced they can’t relax without constant vigilance.

The betraying spouse may push hard enough to silence the fight, but leave drowning in shame or resentment, convinced they’ll never measure up.

In both cases, the relationship is weakened. Safety is reduced. Intimacy feels further away.

The Deeper Roots of Competition

Competition isn’t just about being stubborn. It’s about what’s happening underneath. For the betrayed spouse, it’s the desperate need to ensure safety in the very relationship where harm occurred. Fighting feels like the only way to not be erased again. For the betraying spouse, it’s the pull of old wounds—trauma from outside the marriage—mixing with shame. Fighting feels like the only way to not be swallowed by failure.

Both are valid human responses. But both, if left unchecked, keep the relationship stuck in survival rather than moving toward healing.

So What’s the Alternative?

The opposite of competition isn’t silence or surrender—it’s cooperation. That means stepping out of the you vs. me mindset and into a you and me mindset.

But here’s the challenge: you can’t jump straight to cooperation when you’re triggered. Your nervous system won’t let you. The first step is simply noticing when you’ve moved into competition. Naming it breaks the automatic cycle and gives you the power to choose something different.

In Blog 4 of this series, we’ll dive deep into what cooperation looks like and practical tools to get there. But for now, the most powerful step you can take is awareness. Ask yourself in conflict: Am I trying to win, or am I trying to connect?

Where Do You Go From Here?

If you see yourself or your relationship in this description of competition, you’re not alone. Almost every couple we’ve worked with in betrayal recovery has spent time caught in this trap. It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken beyond repair—it means you’re human.

The good news is that you don’t have to stay stuck. With the right tools, guidance, and support, couples can move beyond competition into a new way of relating. We’ve seen it happen again and again.

Our team of coaches specializes in helping couples navigate these patterns. Whether you’re the betrayed spouse fighting to be heard, or the betraying spouse fighting against shame and old trauma, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

Reach out to our team today to explore how coaching can help you stop fighting each other and start fighting for your relationship.