Every couple’s healing journey is unique. The pain, the backstory, the timing—it all looks different. But over the years of walking with hundreds of couples through the deep work of restoration after betrayal, we’ve noticed a consistent rhythm to the recovery process.

Whether the betrayal involves infidelity, compulsive sexual behavior, or years of hidden secrets, healing tends to unfold in three key phases. And the kind of help a couple needs changes in each one.

We call these the Recovery Phase, the Restoration Phase, and the Renewal Phase. Understanding which phase you’re in—and what support fits best—can bring both clarity and confidence to a process that often feels overwhelming.

When Mark and Jenn first reached out to us, they were exhausted.

They had already seen three different therapists. “They were nice,” Jenn told me during our intake call. “But none of them got it.”

One counselor told her to stop checking Mark’s phone because it was “feeding her anxiety.” Another suggested that Mark find a new hobby to help him manage his urges. A third seemed more interested in improving their date nights than helping them unpack the rupture caused by Mark’s pornography addiction and Jenn’s deep sense of betrayal.

“They just didn’t understand what we were going through,” she said.

And sadly, that’s not uncommon.

Good Intentions Aren’t Enough

Let’s be clear—most therapists and coaches are deeply caring professionals. They want to help. They are trained to listen, reflect, and offer insight. But in the realm of betrayal trauma and compulsive sexual behavior, general education is rarely enough.

You need someone who understands the landscape you’re walking through.

Someone who doesn’t just hand you a workbook or talk about “trust issues,” but who knows how to guide a couple through the layered, painful, sacred work of healing after betrayal.

Mark and Jenn weren’t asking for perfection. They were simply asking for a guide who had the right tools—and who knew how to use them.

When betrayal or broken trust enters a relationship, the question isn’t “Should we get help?” The real question becomes: “What kind of help do we actually need?”

That question haunted Tasha for weeks.

After discovering her husband Eric’s secret pornography use, her world spun into chaos. It wasn’t just the lies—it was what the lies meant. About their connection. About her worth. About their future.

Tasha was ready to leave. Not out of spite, but self-preservation. But her individual therapist urged her to consider a structured disclosure process first—something guided and intentional, rather than chaotic or incomplete.

Meanwhile, Eric was working with a recovery coach. This coach wasn’t just there to “cheer him on”—he challenged Eric daily. To track his behaviors. To be honest with himself and his wife. To show up with integrity, not excuses. To build a plan—and stick to it.

Six months later, Tasha and Eric weren’t just surviving. They were doing the messy work of healing. And when I asked them what made the biggest difference, their answer was clear.

“Honestly? Both. We needed both.”

When betrayal shatters a relationship, love alone isn’t enough to heal it.

If that sounds harsh, I understand. Love is what brought you together. It’s what you’ve clung to through life’s storms. It’s what made you believe that, no matter what, you could find your way back to each other.

But betrayal changes the rules. Whether it’s infidelity, compulsive pornography use, a secret second life, or emotional disconnection rooted in hidden behaviors, it doesn’t just break trust—it fractures the foundation of safety, meaning, and shared reality. It leaves one partner spiraling in confusion and pain, and the other often swimming in shame, fear, and disorientation.

And what many couples try to do in those early days… is white-knuckle their way forward.

In the first two parts of this series, I wrote about the power shame holds when left unchecked—and how we begin to dismantle it through the balance of grace and responsibility. That work is essential. But if the journey stops there, it stays mostly internal. It’s personal, yes—but shame isn’t just a private struggle. It shows up in how we relate to others, how we respond in community, and how we lead (or withhold) in the spaces we’re part of.

Part three is about taking the healing work of recovery and letting it transform how we show up in the world around us. Because healing doesn’t end with personal peace. Real freedom becomes a gift we offer others.

Even after years of doing the hard work of recovery—both in my own life and walking alongside others—it still sneaks in. On bad days, it whispers that I haven’t changed at all. That I’m too much. Or not enough. That I’m one wrong step away from losing everything I’ve fought for.

But I keep fighting. Not just for myself, but for the people I love. For the men and couples I walk with. For anyone who still believes their shame means they’re broken beyond repair.

On August 1, 2013, a guest speaker came to Joanna's first class in her Marriage and Family Therapy program. The class was titled "Shame and Guilt." This pastor stood up and told the truth publicly about his struggle with pornography and addiction. Joanna brought that story home to me that day, and the wall of fear and self-loathing cracked when I heard it. That was the day I stopped hiding and betraying Joanna. It was the day I began to fight back against shame and the hurt it was causing the people I loved.

I grew up in a house where the rhythm of fall weekends was set by college and pro football. Saturdays were about the SEC game of the week—loud, rowdy, with the smell of chili on the stove and the hum of a hopeful crowd through the TV speakers. Sundays? Those belonged to the Dallas Cowboys. It wasn’t just background noise; it was part of our family language. Wins were celebrated with cheers and snacks. Losses were mourned (loudly). But nothing—and I mean nothing—frustrated us more than when our team had the lead late in the game and switched to that infamous “prevent defense.”

If you’ve ever watched football, you might know exactly what I’m talking about. The prevent defense is a strategy teams use when they’re ahead, designed to avoid giving up the big play. The irony is that it usually does the opposite. All it seems to prevent is momentum—and sometimes, even the win itself. I remember hearing one exasperated commentator say, “The only thing the prevent defense actually prevents is… winning.”

This weekend, I (Matthew) was standing at the edge of the elementary school track, cheering for our kids as they wrapped up their final races of the season. And I noticed something — something that immediately reminded me of my own recovery journey and the experiences Joanna and I had rebuilding our marriage..

Again and again, kids would sprint out strong... and then right as they started to feel tired, they would look to the left or right.

• Who's catching up to me?

• Am I ahead?

• Is someone passing me?

And in that split second of looking around, they would slow down, veer off their lane, or even lose their footing.
They lost sight of their race because they stopped focusing forward.

It's the same trap so many of us fall into in recovery.

When we get caught up comparing ourselves to others — how fast they're moving, how "good" they're doing, how much validation we can get from the outside — we lose focus on what really matters: running our race with integrity, humility, and heart.

Recently, Joanna was reflecting on the experience of a couple impacted by betrayal and the inspiration of new life springing up in our garden. And it got me thinking about another landscaping metaphor.

You see, the other thing we’ve noticed in our planting beds this time of year—besides the new growth on the bushes and the budding signs of life—is the proliferation of weeds. Just like the fresh growth, the weeds come fast. It feels like we blink, and suddenly they’re everywhere, crowding out what we actually planted.

That picture hit me hard. Because for me, it’s a lot like the struggle I’ve had with sexual addiction.

Those destructive patterns didn’t care that I was trying to grow something beautiful in my life. They didn’t care about the dreams Joanna and I had for our marriage. The addiction wasn’t concerned with the kind of man I wanted to be. Like weeds, it grew fast, deep, and wild. And left untended, it choked out almost everything that mattered.

One of the biggest barriers to healthy and honest communication is assumption. Instead of seeking clarity, we often interpret messages through our own experiences, biases, and emotions—which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unnecessary conflicts.

When we assume, we create a narrative based on what we think the other person means rather than what they are actuallytrying to communicate. This can cause frustration on both sides: one person feels misunderstood, while the other reacts based on an inaccurate interpretation.

Healthy assertiveness is the key to breaking this cycle. It means checking in instead of jumping to conclusions, asking for clarity instead of making guesses, and expressing ourselves openly while creating space for others to do the same. It allows us to communicate with confidence, curiosity, and a genuine desire for mutual understanding.

Let’s explore how to practice healthy assertiveness to enhance communication, eliminate unnecessary conflict, and build deeper connections.

Recovery sometimes feels like springtime in Memphis.

This is one of the first places I’ve (Joanna) lived where spring feels like a true transition—from the cold, gray, lifelessness of winter into something vivid, alive, and full of hope. The shift doesn’t happen all at once. It creeps in gently, a little more light in the evening, a slight warmth in the breeze, and then—suddenly—you see it: green.

I remember walking outside just a few weeks ago and spotting tiny green shoots on a plant I had long since written off as dead. It had been nothing but bare sticks for months. I had mentally added it to the compost pile, assuming it wouldn’t make it through the winter. But there it was—life. The excitement welled up inside me, and I almost jumped for joy. It’s alive. It’s alive! I couldn’t believe it.

Twelve years ago, our world changed.

We began a painful, soul-shaping journey through betrayal and recovery as a couple. At the time, resources were scarce—especially for the betrayed partner and even more so for couples navigating healing together. What we needed didn’t exist, so we committed not only to our own restoration, but to building tools, frameworks, and a community for others who would come after us.

This is where our passion began.

We weren’t interested in merely surviving. If we were going to do the hard work of healing, we wanted to thrive on the other side—to have a marriage we were excited to be in. That goal fueled us through the darkest moments, and today, it fuels the work we do with couples around the world.

Healing Together Starts With a Vision

When a couple reaches out to us, one of the first questions we ask is:
“What is the goal for your marriage?”

Have you ever had a conversation where someone’s words didn’t quite match their body language? Maybe they assured you they were "fine," but their arms were crossed, their tone was sharp, and they barely made eye contact. Or perhaps someone told you they were excited about something, yet their posture was slouched and their expression blank.

These mixed signals create confusion, doubt, and sometimes even mistrust. Honest communication isn’t just about what we say—it’s about ensuring our body language, tone, and expressions match our words. When our nonverbal cues align with our verbal messages, we build stronger connections, demonstrate authenticity, and make others feel truly heard and valued.

Let’s explore how to build congruence in communication and ensure our words and actions reinforce our intended message.

Safety in a relationship is a sense of security that is built through ongoing constructive behaviors from both partners. It is not just about the absence of harm but the presence of consistent, trust-building actions. This sense of security allows individuals to express their true selves without fear of rejection, manipulation, or betrayal.

When a relationship lacks safety, true intimacy becomes nearly impossible. Our minds and bodies naturally resist openness when we sense danger, causing us to withdraw, shut down, or become defensive. However, when safety is present, we experience an environment where connection and cooperation can flourish.

Healthy relationships thrive on open communication, mutual respect, and emotional honesty. A key skill that supports these elements is assertiveness—the ability to express one’s thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully. Unfortunately, many people either struggle with being assertive or mistake it for aggression, leading to communication breakdowns and unresolved conflicts.

In this post, we’ll explore what healthy assertiveness looks like, the consequences of withholding in relationships, and how to cultivate this essential skill to create stronger, more balanced partnerships.

Authenticity is not just about expressing who we are—it’s about consistently living in alignment with our beliefs and values. For example, if I say I value health but make repeated choices that harm my well-being, I will feel internal conflict. Furthermore, my partner or those closest to me may feel uncertain or unsafe if they witness a disconnect between my words and my actions.

Part of authenticity is also about being honest about our struggles. No one is perfectly aligned all the time. The key is to be transparent about the process—to acknowledge when we’re struggling, rather than hiding behind a false narrative. Social media has made it easy to curate a perfect image, but true authenticity requires a willingness to share both our strengths and our vulnerabilities.

Awareness is crucial for personal and relational success because it serves as the foundation for all other relational skills. Think about empathy—without awareness of your own emotions, how can you genuinely empathize with someone else’s pain? Similarly, without awareness of your own thoughts and reactions, it’s difficult to engage in healthy communication, resolve conflicts, or foster intimacy.

Beyond relationships, awareness significantly enhances individual well-being. Research shows that mindfulness and self-awareness reduce stress and improve mental health. Just as avoiding physical pain often leads to greater distress, ignoring relational issues compounds them over time. Bringing awareness into your life and relationship opens the door to healing and growth.

True transparency is about initiating openness rather than waiting for a partner to ask the right questions. If you’re truly transparent, your partner won’t feel the need to dig for information—they’ll already know who you are, what you’re feeling, and what you’re doing. This creates a deep sense of trust and security.