Practicing Healthy Assertiveness – Gaining Clarity Instead of Assuming
One of the biggest barriers to healthy and honest communication is assumption. Instead of seeking clarity, we often interpret messages through our own experiences, biases, and emotions—which can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unnecessary conflicts.
When we assume, we create a narrative based on what we think the other person means rather than what they are actuallytrying to communicate. This can cause frustration on both sides: one person feels misunderstood, while the other reacts based on an inaccurate interpretation.
Healthy assertiveness is the key to breaking this cycle. It means checking in instead of jumping to conclusions, asking for clarity instead of making guesses, and expressing ourselves openly while creating space for others to do the same. It allows us to communicate with confidence, curiosity, and a genuine desire for mutual understanding.
Let’s explore how to practice healthy assertiveness to enhance communication, eliminate unnecessary conflict, and build deeper connections.
How to Check in for Clarity
The first step toward practicing healthy assertiveness is developing the habit of checking in before reacting. This requires self-awareness, patience, and a willingness to communicate openly. Below are three key strategies to ensure clarity and avoid misunderstandings.
1. Name the Message You’re Receiving and Verify It
Before reacting emotionally or making an assumption, pause and reflect on the message you’re receiving.
Ask yourself:
What are their words, tone, and body language communicating?
Is my interpretation accurate, or am I making assumptions based on my own emotions or past experiences?
Example:
💬 You hear frustration in your partner’s voice and immediately assume they are upset with you.
✅ Instead of reacting defensively, check in by saying:
"I sense frustration in your voice. Am I understanding that correctly?"
Why this works:
🔹 It prevents knee-jerk reactions based on assumption.
🔹 It gives the other person a chance to clarify their emotions.
🔹 It keeps the conversation open rather than escalating conflict.
Pro Tip: If you feel emotionally triggered, take a breath before responding. This small pause can make the difference between reacting emotionally and responding thoughtfully.
2. Be Curious Instead of Reactive
When faced with ambiguity, our brains often rush to fill in the blanks—but this can lead to incorrect conclusions. Instead of assuming, get curious. Ask open-ended questions that give the other person space to explain their intent.
Example:
💬 Your friend seems distant, and you assume they are upset with you.
✅ Instead of withdrawing or feeling hurt, say:
"Hey, I noticed you seem quiet today. Is everything okay?"
Why this works:
🔹 It removes unnecessary self-blame.
🔹 It allows the other person to share their experience without feeling pressured.
🔹 It demonstrates that you care rather than making the conversation about you.
Curiosity shifts communication from assumption to understanding. Instead of assuming the worst, you invite an open and honest conversation.
Other Examples of Curiosity-Based Questions:
"I noticed you seemed distracted during our last conversation. Did something happen?"
"I want to make sure I understand—are you feeling upset about something, or am I misreading the situation?"
"Can you help me understand what you meant by that?"
When you approach conversations with curiosity instead of defensiveness, you create a space of safety and trust.
3. Respond with Openness When Someone Checks in with You
Just as we want others to clarify instead of assuming, we need to be open when someone checks in with us. If a person asks for clarification or expresses concern about something we said or did, it’s important to listen with openness rather than becoming defensive.
Example:
💬 Your partner says, “I feel like you’ve been distant lately. Is something wrong?”
🚫 Instead of saying, "That’s not true!" or "Why would you even think that?"
✅ Try:
"I see why you’d feel that way. I’ve been stressed with work, and I didn’t realize I was coming across as distant. I appreciate you checking in."
Why this works:
🔹 It validates the other person’s feelings without dismissing them.
🔹 It allows for clarification and deeper understanding.
🔹 It turns the conversation into a collaborative effort rather than a defensive standoff.
Other Examples of Open Responses:
"I didn’t intend for it to come across that way, but I can see why you felt that. Let’s talk about it."
"I appreciate you bringing that up. Can you help me understand what you mean?"
"That wasn’t my intention, and I appreciate the chance to clarify."
By responding with openness, we foster trust, encourage honest dialogue, and strengthen our relationships.
Building Healthy Assertiveness in Daily Conversations
Healthy assertiveness isn’t just for conflict resolution—it enhances everyday conversations by ensuring clarity and deepening connection. Here are three simple habits to incorporate into daily interactions:
✅ Use "I" Statements Instead of "You" Accusations
🚫 "You never listen to me!"
✅ "I feel unheard when I speak, and I’d really appreciate your attention."
✅ Pause Before Reacting
🚫 Assuming the worst and responding emotionally.
✅ Taking a deep breath and checking in for clarity first.
✅ Normalize Asking for Clarification
🚫 Avoiding conversations out of fear of misunderstanding.
✅ Saying, "I just want to make sure I understand you correctly. Could you explain that a bit more?"
When we practice these small but powerful habits, healthy assertiveness becomes second nature.
Conclusion
Healthy assertiveness fosters trust by eliminating guesswork, assumptions, and misunderstandings. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we:
✅ Check in for clarity before reacting.
✅ Get curious and ask open-ended questions instead of assuming.
✅ Respond with openness when others seek clarification.
These simple but transformative shifts allow us to communicate with confidence, sincerity, and emotional intelligence. The more we practice this, the more our relationships will thrive in honesty, trust, and connection.
Reflection Question:
What’s one situation where you can practice checking in for clarity instead of assuming? Let’s discuss in the comments!