Finding the Right Person—How to Choose a Coach or Counselor That’s Truly For Your Marriage
When Jill and Brandon finally reached out for help, they’d been living in quiet chaos for months.
Brandon had confessed to years of hidden pornography use and an emotional affair. Jill, who had always trusted him completely, was devastated. She felt like the life they’d built together had been based on a lie—and now, everything was in question.
They tried to patch things up on their own. They read books, prayed together, scheduled date nights, and made promises. But no matter what they did, they kept hitting the same wall: Jill couldn’t feel safe, and Brandon didn’t know how to rebuild her trust.
Eventually, they began searching for professional help. But even that was discouraging.
“We saw three people before we found someone who actually got it,” Jill told me. “One counselor just told me I needed to stop obsessing. Another said Brandon just had a ‘midlife void.’ One even suggested that we separate ‘for space.’ It was like no one really believed we could come through this—together.”
So when they reached out to our team, they had one non-negotiable:
“We want someone who believes in our marriage.”
When You’re Looking for Help That Doesn’t Hurt
If you’ve ever tried to get professional help and left feeling worse, you’re not alone. Too many couples reach out in a vulnerable season only to be met with advice that’s disconnected, dismissive, or incomplete.
Maybe the betrayed partner is told to “calm down” or “let it go,” while the betraying partner is pressured to prove trustworthiness overnight. Or maybe the focus is placed entirely on one partner’s trauma or addiction without holding the relationship as a sacred space worth fighting for.
Here’s what we’ve learned:
You don’t just need someone trained in therapy or coaching—you need someone who’s truly for your marriage.
What Makes a Great Coach or Clinician?
The best support professionals aren’t just skilled—they’re aligned with your values, your goals, and your shared hope for healing.
Here’s what we believe makes someone truly effective in this kind of work:
1. They’re trained in both relationship work and recovery.
It’s not enough for someone to be a general marriage counselor or a life coach. They need specific training in:
Betrayal trauma
Compulsive or addictive sexual behavior
Disclosure processes
Relational repair after deep rupture
Look for credentials from organizations like APSATS, IITAP, C-SASI, or similar recovery-focused institutes. Ask them how they’ve been trained to walk couples through both crisis and healing.
2. They work for the good of both individuals—and the couple as a whole.
You deserve someone who can hold both partners’ stories with care.
That means:
Creating safety for the betrayed partner without enabling stonewalling or powerlessness
Creating accountability for the betrayer without shaming or dehumanizing
Helping you both move toward a shared vision—if you choose to rebuild
Healing isn’t about choosing sides. It’s about choosing growth—for each of you, and for your relationship.
3. They hold space for pain—and push for progress.
A great coach or counselor knows how to sit in the hard moments. They won’t rush your grief or minimize the impact of betrayal. But they also won’t let you stay stuck.
They’ll gently challenge:
Avoidance
Defensiveness
Shame-driven silence
Bitterness that becomes corrosive
They’ll help you name the pain and take steps forward—one honest, courageous conversation at a time.
Questions You Deserve to Ask
We encourage every couple to “interview” potential support people. You are not being too picky. You are being wise.
Here are some questions you might consider asking:
What is your training in betrayal trauma and addiction recovery?
What relational frameworks do you use with couples?
Do you work with both partners actively, or just one at a time?
How do you support couples when one partner is still struggling with relapse or dishonesty?
What do you believe is possible for a marriage that’s experienced betrayal?
Pay attention not just to their answers—but to how they answer.
Do you feel safe? Seen? Challenged with care?
Do they believe that healing is possible—not in a simplistic, sugar-coated way, but in a way that honors the grief and still holds hope?
You’re Not Just Choosing a Professional—You’re Choosing a Companion on the Road Back
The person you choose to walk with you matters deeply. This isn’t just about techniques or checklists. It’s about trust.
You’re inviting someone into one of the most sacred and painful seasons of your life. You’re asking them to witness your story, hold space for your heartbreak, and help you rebuild something that feels almost impossible to rebuild.
That takes more than credentials.
It takes presence, attunement, and belief—belief that your story is not over, that your relationship can be restored, and that you are both worthy of healing.
Why So Many Couples Choose to Work With Us
Many couples who come to us have tried other forms of help. They’ve read the books, tried the tools, maybe even worked with professionals who were kind—but not equipped.
What they often say about working with our team is this:
“You didn’t just help us stop the bleeding—you helped us learn how to love each other again.”
“You knew the terrain because you’ve walked it yourselves.”
“We felt held by both truth and tenderness.”
That’s by design.
Every one of our coaches has gone through their own healing journey—personally and relationally. We’ve been the ones sitting on the edge of the bed wondering if our relationship could survive. And we’ve been the ones doing the daily work of rebuilding what was broken.
And because of that, we don’t just offer strategies. We offer empathy. We offer truth. And we offer partnership—walking with you, not ahead of you.
You Don’t Have to Keep Figuring This Out Alone
If you're still carrying the weight of betrayal and wondering where to turn next, let this be your invitation:
Start a conversation with us.
You don’t have to commit to anything yet. Just reach out. Tell us a bit about your story. Ask your questions. Let us help you explore what kind of support might be the right next step.
Whether you're in the middle of a crisis or further down the road and looking to deepen connection, we’re here. We’ll meet you with compassion, clarity, and a deep belief in what’s possible.
Because we’ve seen it happen. We’ve lived it. And we’d be honored to walk with you.