Breaking the Cycle of Shame: Choosing Grace and Responsibility Over Self-Loathing
Why I Still Fight Shame
Shame doesn’t give up easily.
Even after years of doing the hard work of recovery—both in my (Matthew) own life and walking alongside others—it still sneaks in. On bad days, it whispers that I haven’t changed at all. That I’m too much. Or not enough. That I’m one wrong step away from losing everything I’ve fought for.
But I keep fighting. Not just for myself, but for the people I love. For the men and couples I walk with. For anyone who still believes their shame means they’re broken beyond repair.
On August 1, 2013, a guest speaker came to Joanna's first class in her Marriage and Family Therapy program. The class was titled "Shame and Guilt." This pastor stood up and told the truth publicly about his struggle with pornography and addiction. Joanna brought that story home to me that day, and the wall of fear and self-loathing cracked when I heard it. That was the day I stopped hiding and betraying Joanna. It was the day I began to fight back against shame and the hurt it was causing the people I loved.
I’d heard thousands of sermons and talks in my life, but I had never heard someone name the thing I thought had to stay hidden. His courage pried something open in me. It was the first time I thought, “Maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe I don’t have to live in hiding.”
That moment changed everything. And it’s why I keep telling my story now. Because shame loses its power when it’s spoken out loud—and we all need reminders that we’re not alone.
How Do We Break the Cycle of Shame?
Shame doesn’t disappear overnight. It often fades in layers—through intentional practice, vulnerable relationships, and honest self-reflection. Below are some of the most effective tools I’ve found for disarming shame, especially when it threatens to pull us back into old patterns.
1. Challenge the Story Shame Tells You
At its core, shame is a distorted narrative. It sounds like:
“I’m broken beyond repair.”
“If people really knew me, they’d leave.”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
These thoughts don’t usually show up all at once. They creep in over time and become the background noise of our lives. Eventually, they start to feel like truth.
That’s why the first step in fighting shame is to get curious about the story you’re telling yourself. Ask:
Where did this message come from?
Who taught me to see myself this way?
What parts of this story need to be re-examined?
You can’t heal from what you won’t name. Rewriting your internal narrative takes time, but it’s possible—and it’s necessary.
2. Practice Grace Toward Yourself
This was not natural for me. I grew up believing that the path to growth was paved with punishment. That if I felt bad enough, maybe I’d finally change. But here’s the reality I had to learn the hard way:
Shame doesn’t lead to transformation—it leads to hiding. And hiding keeps you stuck.
One of the most powerful things I do now is take time weekly to reflect on something I’m tempted to feel shame about. I name it. I explore what was going on underneath it. And then I ask:
What would it look like to respond to myself with kindness?
This doesn’t mean making excuses. It means creating an environment where change is actually possible.
3. Take Responsibility Without Collapsing Into Self-Hatred
This might be the hardest tension to hold:
Real change requires both grace and responsibility. One without the other becomes toxic.
All grace without responsibility becomes denial. It lets us avoid the pain we’ve caused or the patterns we need to address.
All responsibility without grace turns into self-hatred. It leaves us carrying the full weight of our mistakes with no path forward.
Shame thrives when these two are out of balance.
So here’s the alternative: practice truthful ownership. That means:
Acknowledging the harm we’ve done.
Listening—really listening—to the impact it’s had on others.
Taking concrete steps to make amends.
Regulating ourselves so others don’t have to carry our emotional weight.
Every time I choose this kind of responsibility—grounded in grace, not shame—I reinforce a new truth:
I’m capable of repair.
I can rebuild trust.
I am not defined by my worst mistake.
Why the Balance Matters
Grace without responsibility is cheap. It lets us off the hook before we’ve even understood the cost of our actions.
Responsibility without grace is brutal. It turns us into our own jailers, punishing ourselves in ways no one else ever would.
But when grace and responsibility come together, something powerful happens:
We begin to see ourselves clearly—flaws and all—and still believe we’re worthy of love.
We stop pretending, and we start growing.
We move from shame to ownership, from secrecy to connection, from despair to hope.
You’re Not Alone
If you’ve been carrying the weight of shame—maybe for years—I want you to hear this:
You’re not too far gone.
You’re not alone.
And you don’t have to keep living this way.
Healing is possible. Not through shame. Not through perfection. But through honesty, self-compassion, and the courage to keep showing up.
I’m still on this journey too. Some days are easier than others. But every time I tell the truth, every time I show grace and take ownership, I chip away at the lie that I’m unworthy.
So wherever you are in your story—I’m honored to walk beside you. If something here resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Your voice matters, and you don’t have to keep your story in the dark.
Let’s keep going—together.