Eyes Forward: How to Stop Running the Wrong Race in Recovery
This weekend, I (Matthew) was standing at the edge of the elementary school track, cheering for our kids as they wrapped up their final races of the season. And I noticed something — something that immediately reminded me of my own recovery journey and the experiences Joanna and I had rebuilding our marriage..
Again and again, kids would sprint out strong... and then right as they started to feel tired, they would look to the left or right.
Who's catching up to me?
Am I ahead?
Is someone passing me?
And in that split second of looking around, they would slow down, veer off their lane, or even lose their footing.
They lost sight of their race because they stopped focusing forward.
It's the same trap so many of us fall into in recovery.
When we get caught up comparing ourselves to others — how fast they're moving, how "good" they're doing, how much validation we can get from the outside — we lose focus on what really matters: running our race with integrity, humility, and heart.
Recovery Isn't a Race Against Others
In my early months of recovery, I didn’t even realize how much I was still trying to perform.
I'd find myself thinking, "If I just check all the boxes — therapy, groups, honesty — then I'll be 'good' again. She'll forgive me faster. Life will feel normal again."
I was sprinting… but my eyes weren't fully forward.
They were darting to the left: “Am I doing better than that guy in group?”
They were darting to the right: “Does she see how hard I'm trying? Has she noticed?”
The truth is, when recovery becomes about getting validation or measuring yourself against others, it stops being about real healing.
It turns into a transaction: I perform well enough = I get what I want.
And recovery — true, lasting recovery — doesn’t work that way.
Eyes Forward: What Does That Actually Look Like?
1. Set your sights on growth, not applause.
If you only feel good about yourself when someone else praises you, you're still outsourcing your worth.
Try asking yourself at the end of each day:
"Did I show up with honesty, courage, and humility today — even if no one else noticed?"
2. Stay in your lane.
Every recovery journey looks different.
Some guys reconcile their marriage. Some don’t.
Some get it after the first fall. Some stumble again and again before walking steady.
Looking sideways will either puff you up with pride or deflate you with shame — neither one helps you stay steady.
Focus on YOUR race. YOUR growth. YOUR integrity.
3. Find joy in the running itself.
Recovery isn’t just about the finish line.
It’s about learning to love the rhythm of small, daily victories.
It’s about noticing, "Hey, today I told the truth. Today I admitted when I was scared. Today I didn’t numb out when things got hard."
Celebrate that. Even if it's messy and slow.
A Quick Story
I remember one time early on when Joanna gave me a compliment.
Something small like, "Thanks for being honest about that, even though it was hard."
You would have thought I just won an Olympic gold medal.
I soaked it up — then immediately thought, "Ok, how do I get that reaction again tomorrow?"
I wasn’t focused forward. I was focused sideways, fishing for another hit of validation.
It took me a while to realize:
Healing isn’t about earning gold stars.
It’s about becoming a man who lives with integrity because it’s who he is now, not because he’s hoping someone notices.
Practical Steps for Husbands in Recovery
✅ Morning Anchor: Start each day asking, "Who do I want to be today, regardless of what I get from others?"
✅ Silent Wins: Privately celebrate when you choose honesty, humility, or service — even if no one else sees it.
✅ Accountability Over Applause: Stay connected to men who will challenge you to grow, not just tell you you're doing great.
✅ Reset When You Look Sideways: If you catch yourself comparing or seeking validation, gently bring your focus back.
Eyes forward, heart open, one step at a time.
When You Get Tired and Lose Focus
Every runner hits a wall eventually — and recovery is no different. There will be days when you feel exhausted, discouraged, or tempted to look around and wonder if it's even worth it. When that happens, don't panic. Don’t shame yourself. Simply slow down, take a breath, and come back to your "why." Remember: the goal isn’t to sprint perfectly — it’s to keep moving with purpose. If you’ve drifted off course, realign gently. Recommit to your values. Reach out for support. Even a small step forward is still progress. Some of the most important growth happens not when you're running strong, but when you’re tired and still choose to take one more step.
Final Thoughts
There’s something beautiful and freeing when we stop worrying about the other runners.
When we realize that the finish line isn't about beating someone else to it —
It's about becoming the man we were always meant to be.
So if today you find yourself looking left and right, comparing, performing, or scrambling for praise…
Take a breath.
Refocus.
And keep your eyes on the race that matters most.
You're not behind.
You're exactly where you're supposed to be — one faithful step forward at a time.
Want support to keep running your race?
If you're ready for real growth — not just more checklists or pressure to perform — our coaching team would love to walk with you.
We help men rebuild their integrity, their relationships, and their lives after betrayal and addiction — one courageous step at a time.
If you're interested in learning more about working with us, you can reach out here and we'll personally connect you with one of our coaches.
You're not meant to run this race alone.
👟 Keep running. We've got your back.