Building Connection—Couples Assessments for Lasting Growth
If individual assessments act like a mirror, reflecting back insights about yourself, couples assessments are more like a 360° camera—they capture not only how each partner sees the relationship but also how the relationship functions as its own living, breathing system.
Here’s the truth: two people can be in the same relationship and have completely different experiences of it. One partner may feel safe, connected, and hopeful, while the other quietly feels alone, unseen, or uncertain. Unless these differences are brought into the open, they often go unnoticed—until a crisis or betrayal forces them to the surface.
This is where assessments become powerful. Far from being a test that grades your marriage, they provide a structured way to see what’s working, what’s wounded, and what can grow.
Why Couples Assessments Matter
Research in relationship science consistently points to one thing: self-awareness and relational awareness are key predictors of long-term satisfaction. Dr. John Gottman’s studies on marital stability found that couples who could accurately describe their relationship—both strengths and weaknesses—were far more likely to stay together happily. Awareness is the first step toward change.
But awareness isn’t easy to cultivate on your own. Many couples don’t know the right questions to ask, or they avoid the hard conversations out of fear of conflict. That’s why a structured assessment process helps. It gives couples language, direction, and a safe framework to process what’s really going on.
A Story of a Couple Rebuilding
Take Sam and Lisa (names changed). They came to us in the aftermath of betrayal. Lisa described feeling constantly on edge, checking her husband’s phone, and struggling to sleep. Sam, on the other hand, felt frustrated. “I’ve been sober for a year,” he said, “why can’t she just trust me?”
It wasn’t until we walked them through our Intimacy Pyramid framework that things started to shift. Sam realized that sobriety alone hadn’t rebuilt safety. His long work hours, emotional withdrawal, and quick temper at home left Lisa feeling unsafe, even if he wasn’t lying anymore.
By identifying safety as the missing piece, they had clarity. Together, we created a plan: Sam would practice regulation strategies before coming home from work, they would build a daily check-in ritual, and Lisa would communicate what helped her feel secure. Over time, as safety grew, trust began to follow.
Without an assessment framework, they might have stayed locked in frustration—he thinking she should “just get over it,” and she thinking he didn’t really care. With it, they had a shared roadmap forward.
Our Assessment Framework: The Intimacy Pyramid™
After more than 20,000 hours of walking with couples, we realized that couples needed a tool that wasn’t about assigning blame but about providing direction. That’s how we developed the Intimacy Pyramid™, a framework that assesses and builds relational health across five levels:
Honesty – Are we truthful in all areas, even small ones? Do we avoid partial truths or omissions?
Safety – Do we feel emotionally, physically, and relationally safe? Do we repair ruptures quickly?
Trust – Do we consistently follow through on what we say? Are we reliable in words, actions, and presence?
Vulnerability – Are we sharing our fears, hopes, struggles, and longings—not just facts?
Intimacy – Are we experiencing mutual closeness—emotional, spiritual, physical—that feels life-giving?
The beauty of this framework is that it functions both as an informal assessment during coaching conversations and as a self-assessment tool couples can use on their own.
From Garden to Growth
We often tell couples that intimacy is not a mountain you climb once and then plant a flag at the top. It’s more like a garden. If you want it to thrive, you need regular tending: planting seeds of honesty, watering trust with daily follow-through, pulling the weeds of disconnection before they choke the roots of intimacy.
Assessments are simply a gardener’s inspection. They’re a chance to pause and ask:
Are there weeds creeping in?
Is the soil healthy?
Where do we need more light, water, or care?
This metaphor helps couples see assessments not as a judgment but as an act of stewardship.
A Second Story: Finding Hidden Strengths
Another couple, Daniel and Erica, came to us certain their relationship was “beyond repair.” They were weary of conflict and unsure if they could ever find joy together again.
When we walked through the Intimacy Pyramid questions, something surprising happened. While they scored low in trust and vulnerability, they both realized they had maintained a high level of honesty. Even in the mess, neither of them had stopped naming the truth. That discovery gave them hope.
Instead of starting from scratch, they could build on honesty as a foundation. We focused on safety and trust practices, layering growth over what was already strong. Within months, they began laughing together again—something they hadn’t experienced in years.
That’s the power of assessment: it helps couples see not just what’s broken but also what’s still alive.
Research That Supports This Work
Several studies back up what we’ve seen in practice:
Relational Check-Ins Improve Connection: A 2019 study in Family Process found that couples who regularly paused to evaluate their relational dynamics (similar to self-assessment) reported higher satisfaction and resilience over time.
Attachment Awareness Strengthens Bonds: Research from Dr. Sue Johnson (founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy) shows that naming attachment needs—safety, trust, and vulnerability—creates stronger, more secure connections.
Shared Language Reduces Conflict: Couples who develop a common framework for discussing problems (like the Intimacy Pyramid) experience less escalation and more cooperation, according to research in Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy.
In short: assessments aren’t just an “extra.” They’re a proven catalyst for growth.
The Role of Self-Assessment
One of the most empowering things we teach couples is how to use the Intimacy Pyramid as a self-assessment tool. This isn’t something reserved for a counselor’s office—it’s a practice couples can do together over coffee, during a date night, or in a weekly check-in.
Here are a few of the questions we encourage couples to ask:
Honesty: Have we been fully transparent this week? Is there anything we’ve avoided saying?
Safety: Do I feel emotionally safe with you right now? Have we repaired any ruptures quickly?
Trust: Did we follow through on our commitments? Where did reliability break down?
Vulnerability: Have I let you into my fears, joys, or struggles this week—or just stayed on the surface?
Intimacy: Are we experiencing closeness that feels mutual and life-giving?
This process isn’t about finding fault—it’s about catching weeds early and celebrating growth along the way.
Launching the Relational Intimacy Assessment
Because of the incredible impact we’ve seen from this framework, we’ve created a new tool: the Relational Intimacy Assessment.
This assessment takes everything we’ve learned in two decades of working with couples and puts it into an accessible, guided tool you and your partner can use right away. It’s designed to:
Help you identify strengths and growth areas in your relationship
Spark meaningful conversations without blame or judgment
Equip you with practical next steps for building honesty, safety, trust, vulnerability, and intimacy
We built this not just for couples in crisis but for any couple who wants to grow stronger, stay connected, and invest intentionally in their relationship.
Our Professional Takeaway
Assessments don’t replace relational work—they enrich it. They take what’s felt in the background of a relationship and bring it to the foreground, where couples can name it, address it, and grow through it.
Whether you’re rebuilding after betrayal or simply wanting to deepen your intimacy, the Relational Intimacy Assessment provides a roadmap. It’s not about judgment—it’s about clarity, empowerment, and growth.
Closing Encouragement
Relationships don’t thrive by accident. They flourish because couples choose to nurture them. Regular self-assessment is one of the most important habits you can build.
So, if you’ve ever wondered, Where are we really at as a couple?—stay tuned. Our Relational Intimacy Assessment is coming soon, and we can’t wait to walk with you on this journey of cultivating honesty, safety, trust, vulnerability, and intimacy that lasts.
