Building Intimacy in Your Relationship: The Journey of Connection, Trust, and Growth

Hey there, Matthew and Joanna Raabsmith here! We’re excited to dive into a topic that has been central to both our work and our own marriage: intimacy. It’s the foundation of healthy relationships, yet many of us struggle to build and maintain it. But here’s the thing—we believe intimacy is worth the effort. It's not just a nice-to-have; it’s something that helps us weather life's storms and thrive through its joys.

Today, we’re going to break down what intimacy really means, why it’s worth pursuing, and how you can build it in your own relationship—whether you're starting from scratch or working through some bumps in the road.

Why Is Intimacy So Important?

So, let’s start with the big question: why should we even bother with intimacy? What makes it so essential?

We often get asked this, especially in our coaching and counseling sessions. For many couples, intimacy feels like the end goal—a healthy, thriving connection that brings emotional attachment and security. And it's no wonder we crave it. There's been plenty of research on this, and it shows that secure, intimate relationships can actually lower our experience of pain.

Here’s a fascinating study: researchers exposed participants to electrical shocks and measured their pain levels. The catch? One group held hands with a loved one during the experience. Even though the shock intensity was the same, those holding hands with someone they trusted reported feeling less pain. That’s the power of secure attachment and intimacy—it doesn’t eliminate life’s difficulties, but it sure makes them a whole lot easier to bear.

Intimacy gives us something precious—a sense of partnership. When we’re in a secure, intimate relationship, we’re never alone, even in our toughest moments. And it's not just about surviving the bad stuff—intimacy helps us thrive, helping us experience life in all its fullness. This deep connection is hardwired into us as humans. From the time we’re infants, we need consistent emotional support to develop and grow. As adults, that doesn’t change. Healthy connections are essential to thriving—not just as individuals, but also in our families and communities.

The Intimacy Pyramid: A Roadmap to Deeper Connection

Building intimacy is a journey, and like any journey, it’s helpful to have a map. That’s where the Intimacy Pyramid comes in.

We came up with the Intimacy Pyramid during our own recovery journey. After experiencing betrayal in our marriage, we found ourselves far from intimacy, but we knew we wanted to rebuild something strong and lasting. The question we kept asking was: how do we get from here—where we are now—to that place of deep, healthy intimacy?

We spent years trying to figure it out, and one day, through discussions with a colleague, we began to piece together a framework—a pyramid, in fact—that shows us the building blocks of intimacy. At the foundation of this pyramid is honesty. From there, we layer safety, trust, vulnerability, and finally, at the top, the intimacy we all want to experience.

Honesty: The Foundation of It All

Intimacy begins with honesty, but it’s not just about telling the truth. Honesty is the regular practice of transparency—with yourself and your partner. It’s about awareness, authenticity, and assertiveness.

For many couples, especially those coming out of betrayal or hurt, there’s a lot of internal work that needs to happen here. Are you aware of your own feelings, needs, and boundaries? Can you be honest about what you’re experiencing in the relationship?

Sometimes, couples come to us feeling like they’ve told the truth once and it should be enough. But honesty is an ongoing process. It’s about integrity—showing up as your true self, day in and day out, and doing the work to understand yourself better. As one partner becomes more self-aware, they begin to show up with greater authenticity in the relationship, and that's where trust and connection can really start to build.

Safety: The Bedrock of Trust

Next up is safety. Without safety, there can be no trust. In fact, for many couples working through betrayal, safety is the most critical thing to rebuild. Safety doesn’t just happen by accident; it’s something you actively create.

Safety in a relationship is built through responsibility, reliability, and emotional regulation. It’s about showing up consistently for your partner, demonstrating through your actions that they can trust you to be there, emotionally and physically. For partners who have experienced betrayal, safety often has to be re-established over time. But once that sense of safety is back, both partners can begin to relax, rebuild trust, and move forward in the relationship.

Trust: The Bridge to Vulnerability

Once safety is established, we can move on to trust. Trust is the confident belief that your partner is committed to you and to the relationship. It’s built on courage, compassion, and cooperation.

Trust allows us to be vulnerable—to open up and share the deepest parts of ourselves without fear of rejection or betrayal. Trust is built slowly and steadily, brick by brick, through consistent actions. It's like walking up a staircase: when you trust the steps will hold your weight, you can walk confidently. But when the trust has been broken, every step feels precarious, and you’re unsure of what might collapse next.

Vulnerability: The Key to True Connection

Now we get to the really juicy part—vulnerability. Intimacy can’t happen without it. Vulnerability is the willingness to take emotional risks—showing up with your partner as your true self, even when it feels scary. But here's the thing: vulnerability doesn't work unless both partners are on board. It can’t be one-sided. You can’t have an intimate relationship if one person is constantly vulnerable while the other stays guarded. Vulnerability is a shared act, a mutual commitment to opening up and being seen.

Vulnerability is scary, but it’s the key to true connection. And the more you practice it, the more you’ll find that it deepens your bond and strengthens your intimacy.

Intimacy: The Reward

Once you've built these foundations of honesty, safety, trust, and vulnerability, intimacy will naturally flow. And when you finally experience that deep, soulful connection, it’s not just about feeling good—it’s about truly thriving as individuals and as a couple. Intimacy gives you the strength to face life’s challenges and the joy to celebrate life’s highs together. It's security, peace, and purpose, all rolled into one.

But here’s the exciting part: intimacy is an ongoing journey. As you build deeper connections, you’ll find new depths to explore, new ways to grow. This isn’t a process with an end point—it’s a lifelong practice.

Where Are You on the Pyramid?

As you think about your own relationship, consider where you are on the Intimacy Pyramid. Are you starting from the ground up with honesty? Are you rebuilding trust or safety after a difficult experience? Wherever you are, we encourage you to take the next step. Intimacy isn’t something that just happens. It takes effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to show up for your partner, day after day.

But with each step you take, you'll find yourself building something truly meaningful—something that can withstand the storms and celebrate the joys of life.

We hope this post has inspired you to reflect on your own journey toward intimacy. Remember, it’s a lifelong process. You get to choose your next step—today, tomorrow, and every day after that.

Stay committed, stay vulnerable, and enjoy the ride.