The Foundation of Intimacy: Honesty in Relationships
We’re excited to talk about honesty—the cornerstone of any strong relationship. Honesty is the first level of the Intimacy Pyramid (TM), and without it, building a healthy, connected relationship is impossible.
What is Honesty?
In our book, we define honesty as the regular practice of transparency with oneself and others. Every part of this definition matters. First, honesty must be a regular practice—a consistent choice we make daily. Being honest only some of the time isn’t true honesty. Instead, honesty is an active, ongoing commitment that requires intention and effort.
Many people mistakenly believe that honesty is simply the absence of lying. However, genuine honesty is not just about avoiding deception—it’s about actively engaging in truthfulness. It’s something we choose to pour into our relationships through our words, behaviors, and actions.
Honesty in the Context of Betrayal Recovery
For couples recovering from betrayal, honesty takes on an even deeper significance. Many think that after a full disclosure—a process where all hidden truths are revealed—the relationship is now honest. However, true honesty is not a one-time event. It’s a daily, minute-by-minute engagement of transparency.
We often remind couples that full disclosure is just the first step. It resets the foundation of honesty, but what truly matters is choosing transparency every day moving forward. That ongoing effort is what rebuilds trust and strengthens the relationship over time.
The Role of Transparency in Honesty
A great metaphor for transparency comes from a home renovation project we undertook. Over months of construction, dust accumulated on the windows, making it difficult to see in or out. Once we cleaned the windows, the difference was astounding—clarity was restored. That’s exactly what transparency does in a relationship: it removes barriers and fosters a free flow of information.
True transparency is about initiating openness rather than waiting for a partner to ask the right questions. If you’re truly transparent, your partner won’t feel the need to dig for information—they’ll already know who you are, what you’re feeling, and what you’re doing. This creates a deep sense of trust and security.
Honesty vs. Control
Honesty is not about managing how your partner perceives you. When someone manipulates information—deciding what to share, how much to share, and when to share it—they are exercising control. Many justify dishonesty as a way to “protect” their partner, but in reality, it is a control mechanism that creates an unsafe relationship dynamic.
Transparency, on the other hand, is about relinquishing control and embracing openness. It allows both partners to engage in an authentic, informed relationship where each person gets to choose their reality, rather than having it dictated to them.
Honesty as a Personal and Relational Practice
Honesty is both an individual and relational commitment. It requires personal work—developing self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and integrity. But it also requires relational work—creating habits, structures, and agreements that foster open communication.
One helpful perspective is to think of your relationship as a third entity. There’s you, your partner, and the relationship itself. At every level of intimacy, ask yourself:
What is my role in being honest?
How does my partner contribute to honesty?
How do we create a shared experience of honesty in our relationship?
The Link Between Honesty and Safety
Many believe they need to feel safe before they can be honest, but the truth is the opposite: honesty creates safety. When there’s dishonesty in a relationship, even in small ways, it invites doubt and insecurity. If one lie is uncovered, it creates a chain reaction of questions—"If they lied about this, what else are they hiding?"
Living in uncertainty is inherently unsafe. Our brains interpret the unknown as a threat, triggering anxiety and fear. Honesty, on the other hand, brings clarity, which allows both partners to feel secure and make informed decisions about their relationship.
Barriers to Honesty and How to Overcome Them
While most people recognize the importance of honesty, many struggle with hidden habits that undermine transparency. Here are a few common roadblocks:
Exaggeration or Inaccuracy: Even small exaggerations can erode trust. Strive to provide accurate information instead of embellishing details.
Vagueness: If you’re habitually vague or provide incomplete answers, your partner may feel disconnected or suspicious. Practicing clarity fosters stronger communication.
Avoidance: Withholding concerns to “keep the peace” ultimately damages trust. Avoidance breeds resentment and prevents resolution.
Lack of Integrity: If your actions don’t align with your words, your honesty is compromised. Follow through on commitments to build credibility.
Emotional Disconnection: A lack of awareness about your own emotions can lead to dishonest communication, even if unintentional. Self-reflection and emotional engagement can help strengthen honesty.
Building the Habit of Honesty
Because honesty is a practice, it requires consistent effort. Here are a few ways to cultivate a culture of honesty in your relationship:
Identify Roadblocks – Reflect on areas where honesty may be lacking. Are there subtle habits that contribute to distrust?
Develop a Daily Check-In Practice – Commit to regular conversations where both partners share openly about their thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Examine Past Influences – Consider how your upbringing shaped your approach to honesty. Did you learn to avoid conflict? Did you witness deception in relationships? Awareness of these influences can help break unhelpful patterns.
Challenge Yourself to Radical Transparency – Instead of waiting to be asked, proactively share information with your partner. The more transparent you are, the more trust you build.
The Long-Term Benefits of Honesty
Ultimately, honesty allows both partners to truly be chosen. If you’re not transparent, your partner isn’t choosing the real you—they’re choosing a curated version of you. By embracing full honesty, you allow your partner to know and love the real you, and you give yourself the freedom to experience true intimacy.
Building a strong, honest relationship is a journey, but it’s one worth taking. When you commit to honesty, you lay the foundation for a secure, fulfilling, and deeply connected partnership.