From Surviving to Thriving: A Journey of Forgiveness and Restoration After Betrayal
Twelve years ago, our world changed.
We began a painful, soul-shaping journey through betrayal and recovery as a couple. At the time, resources were scarce—especially for the betrayed partner and even more so for couples navigating healing together. What we needed didn’t exist, so we committed not only to our own restoration, but to building tools, frameworks, and a community for others who would come after us.
This is where our passion began.
We weren’t interested in merely surviving. If we were going to do the hard work of healing, we wanted to thrive on the other side—to have a marriage we were excited to be in. That goal fueled us through the darkest moments, and today, it fuels the work we do with couples around the world.
Healing Together Starts With a Vision
When a couple reaches out to us, one of the first questions we ask is:
“What is the goal for your marriage?”
It seems simple, but after betrayal, this can be terrifying to answer. The vision couples once shared often gets shattered in the wake of infidelity. But over and over again, we hear the same longings:
A healthy, life-giving partnership
A restored connection built on honesty and trust
Deep, abiding intimacy that feels safe
We all want intimacy. But it has to be intimacy that’s built on a solid foundation—not one that collapses the moment honesty or trust wavers.
The Intimacy Pyramid: A Framework for Restoration
Out of our journey and our professional work, we created a framework called The Intimacy Pyramid, which we explore in our book Building True Intimacy, co-authored with Dan Drake. It’s a step-by-step model that helps couples move from chaos and confusion to clarity, healing, and real connection.
We also work with couples through our private practice and our Renewing Us group program—a powerful community-based experience where couples discover they're not alone, and transformation is possible.
Why Forgiveness is Often the Sticking Point
One of the biggest roadblocks in a couple’s recovery journey is a distorted view of forgiveness.
Many of us were taught unhelpful or even harmful beliefs about forgiveness—through family, faith, or culture. Maybe you heard that forgiveness means forgetting. That it’s about excusing or minimizing the offense. That it’s a one-time event.
But true, life-changing forgiveness doesn’t look like that.
Real forgiveness doesn’t ignore pain. It doesn't excuse behavior or pretend things are fine. And it certainly doesn't mean the burden falls entirely on the person who was hurt.
Instead, forgiveness is a living process—one that requires honesty, accountability, and mutual growth. It’s not just a feeling or a milestone; it’s a path.
What Forgiveness Is—and Isn’t
Before we can walk that path, we have to unlearn some things.
Here’s what forgiveness is not:
Forgetting: Healing requires remembering—not to hold it over someone’s head, but to honor the truth of what happened.
Excusing or minimizing: Understanding someone’s trauma or story doesn’t excuse their harmful choices.
Accepting or tolerating: True forgiveness includes clear boundaries. Without them, the harm can repeat.
A solo act: Forgiveness is a relational process. It’s not just about “letting go.” It’s about rebuilding safety, justice, and trust—together.
And perhaps most importantly:
Forgiveness is not a one-time event.
It’s a daily practice, a process of restoring integrity, rebuilding trust, and creating something new.
A Balanced Forgiveness Practice: Justice, Power, Compassion
We’re deeply influenced by the work of Terry Hargrave and the idea that healthy forgiveness happens at the intersection of:
Justice (honoring the reality of what was lost and violated)
Power (restoring agency and boundaries)
Compassion (seeing the humanity in each other)
When any of these is out of balance, forgiveness falters. But when they’re aligned, healing can flow freely.
Moving Up the Intimacy Pyramid
As couples move through recovery, we help them rebuild layer by layer:
Honesty: Full disclosure and ongoing transparency restore power imbalances.
Safety: Taking responsibility, establishing healthy patterns, and building emotional security.
Trust: Developing a shared vision for the future rooted in consistent actions.
Vulnerability: Learning to hold each other’s pain with empathy and gentleness.
Intimacy: Creating rituals of restoration, embracing your story, and experiencing connection that’s honest, safe, and free.
What Healing Looks Like
When forgiveness is working, here’s what we see:
Couples talk about their past openly and in unity.
There’s more laughter. More hope. More joy.
They’re no longer defined by betrayal. They are stronger because of how they’ve walked through it together.
As one couple put it after completing our program:
“This process didn’t just save our marriage—it transformed it.”
You’re Not Alone. And You’re Not Stuck.
When we began this journey, we felt incredibly alone. That’s why we created Renewing Us—to offer the kind of community and guidance we so desperately needed.
This isn’t just theory. It’s the path we walked ourselves.
If you’re ready to move from surviving to thriving, we’d love to invite you into this journey. You can learn more about our next group, meet with us for a quick conversation, and decide if it’s the right step for your marriage.
Visit our info page to learn more and schedule a free call.
Your story isn’t over.
There is hope.
And healing is possible.