Aligning Words and Body Language – The Key to Authentic Communication
Have you ever had a conversation where someone’s words didn’t quite match their body language? Maybe they assured you they were "fine," but their arms were crossed, their tone was sharp, and they barely made eye contact. Or perhaps someone told you they were excited about something, yet their posture was slouched and their expression blank.
These mixed signals create confusion, doubt, and sometimes even mistrust. Honest communication isn’t just about what we say—it’s about ensuring our body language, tone, and expressions match our words. When our nonverbal cues align with our verbal messages, we build stronger connections, demonstrate authenticity, and make others feel truly heard and valued.
Let’s explore how to build congruence in communication and ensure our words and actions reinforce our intended message.
When Your Actions and Words Don’t Match
Even with the best intentions, we sometimes send conflicting messages through our body language. The key is to become more aware of these discrepancies and intentionally adjust them for more authentic communication.
1. You Want to Show Your Partner is a Priority, But…
🚫 Your Action: You keep glancing anxiously at your watch or phone.
✅ Fix It: Regulate emotionally before engaging in conversation. If you’re feeling rushed or distracted, take a deep breath, center yourself, and fully engage in the moment. If you’re on a tight schedule, acknowledge it upfront:
🗣 "I want to give you my full attention, but I only have 15 minutes right now. Can we continue this later if needed?"
🔹 Why This Matters: Checking the time or your phone signals disinterest. Regulating your emotions beforehandhelps you be present and ensure your nonverbal cues match your words.
2. You Want to Show Your Partner is Cherished, But…
🚫 Your Action: You pull away physically or seem distant because you’re exhausted from the day.
✅ Fix It: Be clear on what you want your partner to feel. If your goal is to express love and connection, but you’re physically drained, communicate that openly instead of unintentionally sending mixed signals.
🗣 "I had a long day, and I’m feeling wiped out. I love spending time with you, but I may not be as engaged as I want to be. Can we have quality time tomorrow when I have more energy?"
🔹 Why This Matters: Instead of forcing an interaction when you’re not fully present, set a clear intention and communicate it honestly. This reassures your partner and strengthens trust.
3. You Want to Show Openness and Vulnerability, But…
🚫 Your Action: You sit slumped with your arms crossed, creating a closed-off posture.
✅ Fix It: Check your tone and body language throughout the conversation. Uncross your arms, sit up straight, and lean in slightly to show engagement. If you catch yourself closing off, pause, adjust, and realign with your message.
🔹 Why This Matters: Crossed arms and slouching can subconsciously signal defensiveness, disinterest, or resistance—even if that’s not how you feel. Keeping an open posture invites trust, warmth, and deeper connection.
Why Nonverbal Communication Matters
🔹 People trust body language more than words. Studies show that over 50% of communication is nonverbal. If your words and actions don’t align, people trust what they see over what they hear.
🔹 Small adjustments create big shifts. You don’t have to overhaul your communication overnight. Simply becoming aware of your body language and making slight modifications can significantly improve how others perceive your authenticity and engagement.
🔹 Nonverbal cues impact emotional safety. When words and body language are in sync, people feel safer, more understood, and more connected to you.
How to Build Congruence in Communication
If you’ve realized that your nonverbal cues sometimes contradict your words, don’t worry—it’s a common issue! Here are three key steps to ensure your words and body language align:
1. Regulate Emotionally Before Communicating
If you enter a conversation feeling stressed, frustrated, or emotionally charged, your nonverbal signals will likely reflect that. Before speaking:
✅ Take a deep breath and center yourself.
✅ Acknowledge your emotions internally so they don’t leak into your communication unintentionally.
✅ If needed, pause the conversation and return when you can engage calmly and intentionally.
2. Be Clear About What You Want Others to Feel and Take Away
Before speaking, ask yourself:
✔️ What is my goal in this conversation?
✔️ How do I want the other person to feel when I communicate this message?
✔️ Is my body language and tone supporting that goal?
When you consciously set an intention, you naturally align your words, tone, and body language to support it.
3. Check Your Tone and Body Language Throughout the Conversation
It’s easy to start a conversation with good intentions but let our body language or tone drift into misalignment.Throughout the discussion, ask yourself:
✔️ Am I still fully present?
✔️ Does my tone reflect the message I want to convey?
✔️ Is my body language open and engaged?
If you notice a disconnect, adjust in real-time. Transparency is powerful, and even saying, "I just realized I’m crossing my arms—I don’t want you to think I’m closed off," helps build trust and shows awareness.
What to Do When You Notice a Disconnect in Yourself
If you realize mid-conversation that your words and body language aren’t aligned, pause and reset. It’s okay to acknowledge it!
Example:
💬 "I just realized I’ve been sitting with my arms crossed while we’re talking. I don’t want to seem closed off—I think I was just getting cold!"
Being transparent about your awareness shows self-awareness and honesty, which builds trust.
Conclusion
Honest communication isn’t just about the words we speak—it’s about how we show up, physically and emotionally, in conversations. When we align our words, tone, and body language, we:
✅ Create deeper connections
✅ Build stronger trust
✅ Foster authentic, open conversations
The next time you’re in a conversation, take a moment to check:
🔹 Have I regulated my emotions before speaking?
🔹 Am I clear about what I want the other person to feel?
🔹 Is my body language and tone supporting my message?
If the answer is no, adjust accordingly. When your communication is congruent, trust and understanding flourish.