The Art of Honest Communication: Using Awareness to Transform Bad Habits
Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling unheard, frustrated, or disconnected? You might have wondered what went wrong—why your message wasn’t received as intended or why you felt like you weren’t being listened to. While much of our work with couples is focused around some of the deeper underlying issues like trauma, addiction, or emotional regulation, there can often be poor communication habits that that trip us up more often than not.
The good news? Once you recognize these habits, you can start making conscious changes that lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations. Communication is more than just speaking—it’s about how we listen, engage, and show up for others. It is about creating understanding. When we improve our ability to connect, we build stronger relationships based on honesty, safety, trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Many couples ask us how to keep their connection vibrant after establishing a strong intimate bond. One key factor—both in our own experience and in supporting hundreds of couples—is a lifelong commitment to self-improvement. Not as another task to check off, but as an opportunity to foster personal growth and create a thriving relationship.
Let’s explore some common poor communication habits that may be sabotaging your conversations and, more importantly, how to fix them.
Common Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
1. Lack of Eye Contact
Have you ever spoken to someone who constantly looks around the room or down at their phone while you’re talking? It can feel dismissive and frustrating. While you don’t need to maintain unbroken eye contact (which can be intense or uncomfortable), looking at the person when they’re speaking shows that you’re engaged and interested.
✅ Fix It: If eye contact doesn’t come naturally, try the “soft gaze” technique—instead of locking eyes the whole time, focus on their face in a relaxed way. This keeps you engaged without making the other person uncomfortable.
2. Interrupting
Interrupting someone mid-sentence sends a clear message: "What I have to say is more important than what you're saying." Even if you don’t mean to be dismissive, constantly cutting someone off can make them feel unheard or unvalued. I (Matthew) grew up in a family that was more prone to interject and talk over each other especially in group settings which was very different than what Joanna experienced. The first couple of months in our marriage we had to navigate what the cadence of our communication should look like in a way that left both of us feeling heard and understood. No matter how quick or slow paced your preferred communication, we should all be willing to check in with each other regularly to make sure no one is feeling ignored or disregarded.
✅ Fix It: Practice patience. If you catch yourself wanting to jump in, take a deep breath and let them finish before responding. You might find that when you allow space for the other person’s thoughts, the conversation becomes more productive and insightful.
3. Distractions (Phones, Screens, Smartwatches)
Few things are more frustrating than trying to talk to someone who is glued to their phone. Constantly checking notifications or glancing at a smartwatch mid-conversation signals disinterest and lack of presence.
✅ Fix It: Create tech-free conversation zones. When engaging in a meaningful discussion, put your phone away or turn off notifications. Let the person know they have your full attention—it makes a huge difference.
4. Multitasking (Chores, Kids, Work Emails)
You might think you’re being efficient by folding laundry, checking emails, or cooking while talking, but multitasking splits your attention and weakens your engagement. The person you’re speaking with may feel like they are competing for your focus. This is probably the toughest one for me (Matthew) personally. I like to keep my body moving and enjoy talking while doing activities. For some conversations that are on the lighter side or more casual this may not be a really big deal. But when the conversation is either more important or more emotionally charged I have learned that I can’t give my whole self to it when I am trying to do two things at once. Trying to do everything has often meant for me, failing at multiple things.
✅ Fix It: If you’re in the middle of something when someone wants to talk, be honest about it. Say, "I really want to give you my full attention. Can we talk in 10 minutes when I can focus?" This shows respect for the conversation and ensures better communication.
5. Thinking of a Response While Someone is Sharing
Have you ever realized that instead of truly listening, you were mentally preparing what to say next? When we focus on our response rather than the speaker’s words, we miss the full meaning and emotional context of what they’re saying.
✅ Fix It: Practice mindful listening. Instead of crafting your reply in advance, focus entirely on the speaker’s words, tone, and body language. Pause before responding. This small change can dramatically improve your ability to connect and understand.
6. Non-Active Listening
Giving surface-level responses like "Yeah," "Uh-huh," or "I see," without actually engaging in the conversation makes the other person feel ignored. This one is often combined with some of the other habits like multi-tasking, or prepping our response while someone is sharing. Another big driver of non-active listening that we seen show up in many of the couples we work with is anxiety. The ruminating thoughts and internal catastrophizing that often accompany anxiety draws us out of the present conversation and into future fears.
✅ Fix It: Show active listening by paraphrasing key points ("It sounds like you’re saying…"), asking clarifying questions, or using verbal affirmations that show genuine engagement ("That makes sense—can you tell me more about that?").
7. Assuming You Know What They Mean
Assumptions are a fast track to miscommunication. Instead of clarifying, we often fill in the blanks based on our own perspectives or past experiences, which can lead to misunderstandings.
✅ Fix It: Instead of assuming, ask for clarity. Use phrases like:
"Are you saying that…?"
"I want to make sure I understand—do you mean…?"
This small shift can prevent unnecessary conflicts and deepen mutual understanding.
8. Rushing Conversations
If you frequently try to speed through discussions, the other person may feel like their thoughts and feelings don’t matter. Lack of time is almost always a sign of needing to address boundaries in our life. When our time is not available to the things that are most important to us it is usually because we have given it away by saying yes to non-essentials.
✅ Fix It: Be present. Even if you only have a few minutes, slow down and focus. If you truly don’t have time for a proper conversation, be honest about it rather than rushing through.
Example: "I really want to hear about this, but I’m short on time right now. Can we talk later when I can give you my full attention?"
9. Over-Explaining or Monologuing
Talking at length without giving the other person a chance to respond can make conversations feel one-sided rather than mutual exchanges.
✅ Fix It: Pause regularly to let the other person engage. Ask, "What do you think?" or "Does that make sense?" to invite them into the conversation.
10. Question Stacking
Asking multiple questions at once can overwhelm the other person and make it difficult for them to respond thoughtfully.
Example of question stacking:
"How was your day? What did you do? Did you talk to anyone? How’s your boss treating you? Did you finish that project?"
✅ Fix It: Ask one question at a time and allow space for an answer. If they don’t elaborate, follow up with another thoughtful question based on what they said.
Conclusion
Honest communication starts with self-awareness. Recognizing these poor habits and actively working to change them can lead to deeper, more fulfilling conversations.
Now, take a moment to reflect:
🔹 Which of these habits do you recognize in yourself?
🔹 What small steps can you take today to improve your communication?
The more mindful you are of how you communicate, the stronger and more authentic your relationships will become. Start small, make adjustments, and watch how your interactions transform.